SandyMaloneArlington, VA – USA Today posted a tweet so ridiculous Wednesday that many people thought they were kidding. They weren’t.
In a graphic (literally) example of the mainstream media making up facts to suit their narrative, the nation’s favorite McPaper posted an educational video that explained all the different parts, and modifications, of a semi-automatic rifle, and shared it on Twitter.
Unfortunately, whoever they hired to create the video had absolutely no idea what they were talking about.
First, the video showed a “base model” gun, and explained all the various potential attachments.
Then the publication endeavored to share their weaponry expertise by showing readers what kind of horrible devices a creative criminal could use to modify an AR to make it even scarier and more dangerous.
Because what could be more frightening than a bad guy coming at you with an assault rifle modified to carry a chainsaw bayonet? No, seriously.
Would the criminal be shooting and trying to saw his victim in half at the same time? Or is the chainsaw for taking down the victim after he runs out of ammo? And how much does the gun weigh with a chainsaw attachment on it? Does it use gas or have a battery? The whole idea begs so many questions.
In USA Today’s defense, chainsaw bayonet attachments for assault rifles do exist. And they can be purchased online. But why would anyone want to?
People who actually understand guns have been making fun of chainsaw bayonets for years.
“Do you love chainsaws and guns, but hate having a limited selection when it comes to combining the two (great – another AK-47? Sheesh)? Well, you’re in luck! Not only are you probably on an FBI watch list, but two helpful companies will make your combo-weapon dreams a reality, Double Star Corp. crafts guns and gun parts for the discerning gentleman, while Panacea X manufactures a chainsaw bayonet that Double Star will happily slap onto any of its weapons, like this custom M4. Supplies are limited, so hurry up and order before an invasion of subterranean monsters destroys the human race (or they, you know, run out),” Jesse Brukman wrote his Gear column in MAXIM back in 2013.
(WARNING: Plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor to follow. Please don’t take this seriously.)
Theoretically, there could be legitimate law enforcement uses for chainsaw bayonets on assault rifles.
Drug Enforcement Agents could more easily protect themselves while sawing down large marijuana plants.
Riot police could simply cut protesters’ sticks and signs in half, while holding Antifa back.
Fish & Wildlife officers could more easily clear foliage while hunting for an escaped prisoner in a swamp on federal property.
For the average civilian, a rifle with a chainsaw bayonet would make for an excellent camping multi-tool – imagine being able to shoot dinner and cut it up with one device.
And that’s not even taking into account the practicality of a chainsaw bayonet for police and civilians in the case of a Zombie invasion.
Keeping those uses in mind, Blue Lives Matter wanted to know where this whole “chainsaw bayonet” concept originated, so we did some research.
It appears that the first chainsaw bayonet appeared in the video game Gears of War.
“We could discuss the game’s complex characters wrestling with the deep emotional trauma of living in a post-apocalyptic world where friends and family are distant memories and the only constant is war. Or we could just say two words: chainsaw guns. Three words? Okay: guns with chainsaws. Yes, the genius weapons carried by the Gears of War heroes often included a chainsaw bayonet that was as jaw-droppingly cool as it was impractical,” Brukman wrote.
Alright, USA Today. Time to own up and admit you didn’t consult anybody who has ever touched a gun before making that educational video.
Or pretend the joke was intentional, and give America follow-up videos. One a day, featuring graphic depictions of the shooting knife, the crossbow bayonet, and the M-388 “Davy Crockett” Nuclear Bazooka – all of which are also featured in a Cracked article from 2009, assuming that’s where USA Today found their chainsaw bayonet information.
Perhaps USA Today could do a daily feature based on the suggestions of people who saw their tweet.
This guy created an awesome idea compilation video.
Gun owners appreciated the laugh, but the sad truth is that gun control advocates have been known to latch on to ridiculous things like a putting a chainsaw bayonet on a rifle as yet another reason to try and ban guns that they really don’t understand.
It certainly wasn’t the first time guns have been misrepresented by the mainstream media, and it probably won’t be the last.