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Police Plead With Residents To Stop Calling 911 To Ask For Toilet Paper

An Oregon police department is asking residents not to call 911 to ask for toilet paper.

Newport, OR – An Oregon police department took to Facebook to make a plea to its residents – Don’t call 911 and ask us for toilet paper.

As the coronavirus pandemic extends, there are toilet paper shortages throughout the country.

“Be resourceful,” the Newport Police Department wrote on Facebook. “Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper. … You will survive without our assistance.”

The police department did offer alternatives.

“In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue,” the police wrote.

The police then offered a history lesson on alternatives to toilet paper.

They stated that sailors used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water.

“Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We are a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used,” the department said, unlocking the ancient mystery of the 3 shells.

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The police mentioned that Mayans used corn cobs.

“Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob. Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac,” the police wrote.

Then the police pointed out that random reading materials could also save the day.

The Newport police pointed out that may Americans have used the pages from the Sears and Roebuck catalogues in the past.

“The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal,” the police department wrote. “Then, of course, there are always alternatives to toilet paper. Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now.”

Tom Gantert - March Sat, 2020

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